That blank look

I have just read an interesting article called 'How to stop confusing your Aspergers child'.  It made me think back to the time when my daughter was diagnosed with selective mutism at the age of three.  Selective mutism, put simply, is when you want to speak but no words come out, but mostly in only certain situations.  My daughter spoke fine at home, but at preschool did not say a word.  While it is still quite possible she did have selective mutism, the fact that she has now been diagnosed with Aspergers, and that her first word at preschool was 'purple', I am starting to wonder.

Let me explain.  My daughter is the queen of the 'blank look', quite often accompanied by a tilt of the head that we refer to as her 'sideways look'.  When we had our first meeting with the consultant at the child development unit, she asked us if we had noticed that my daughter had no trouble answering questions such as "what is your name?"  or "what school do you go too?"  but when she asked "do you like school?" there it was, the blank look.  That is because the first two questions have a definite answer, there is only one response, whereas the third question was an open one.  Now you may think it was just a yes or no question, but that already gives you two choices.  Plus I can guarantee that my daughter wanted to give the right answer and didn't know what that was.

Looking back at preschool I now realise that she said the word 'purple' because she was asked the simple question "what colour is that", which had one correct answer.

So I thought I would give my own tips on the best way to speak to a child with Aspergers.

1.  If possible, when asking a question phrase it in a way where there will not be too many possible answers.       For example, "where did you go on holiday?" is much better than "did you enjoy your holiday?"

2.  It is very common for children with Aspergers to take things very literally, so again the phrasing of a question is very important.  For example, I used to ask my daughter to go and put her clothes on in the morning, and she would come down with her clothes on top of her pyjamas, having done exactly what I had asked her to.  Now at the age of six I don't need to say "can you please go and take your pyjamas off and put your clothes on"  but it is a good example of when I first realised I have to be careful what I say.

3.  Sayings and phrases can be very confusing to a child with Aspergers.  I remember telling my daughter she had a bee in her bonnet, and after waving her hands around her head to get rid of the bee, she stopped and said "silly mummy, I don't have a bonnet on!"  If sayings are explained to her she will remember what it actually means for next time, but I challenge you to start counting how many times a day you say something you dont literally mean, it will amaze you!

4.  Sarcasm, irony, jokes.  Just no.

5.  If they haven't understood first time, don't use more words or more facial expressions or hand gestures.  That just will not work.  Try to simplify instead.

6.  And finally, we are all obsessed with talking about our feelings.  But "how do you feel" is possibly the very worst question to ask.  I cannot speak for all children with Aspergers, but I know my daughter simply doesn't understand her feeling at all, so does not have the foggiest how to answer this question!  Don't get me wrong, she does have feelings, they just don't always make sense to her.

These are all only my personal observations and I am still learning. I'm sure other parents with children who have Aspergers could add reams to this list.

Thank you for reading.